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Part II – Coping with loss and grief and Some tips to help
What can we do about it?
When you stop to consider, take a deep breath. Perhaps you can share your feelings with a co-worker or manager and when you get home, with a trusted partner, friend or family member, your faith leader, counsellor, or call a Helpline. Their staff are there to listen to your concerns, not just to respond to suicidal feelings.
Talk and listen to one another
This is important even if we are not in the same room or close enough to touch or hug. You don’t have to do this by yourself, even though you may physically be alone.
Find a friend at the care home, or your manager. “I need a minute please” is a good place to start. Often your work colleague will know exactly what you might be thinking or feeling, as they share the same experiences as you. They might just be feeling or seeing things differently to you and that can be helpful for both of you.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, suicidal or self-harming, or your usual coping strategies are not working – you may be drinking or using more drugs than usual, call one of the Helplines listed below.
Take a break from the routine
This will take just 5 minutes so why not go to the staff room, or step outside for a moment. Let a colleague or your manager know you need to take time out. Many managers have relaxed the usual routine of working to allow for more breaks in the long shifts.
Breathe
Taking some deep breaths really can help clear the stress, anxiety, the ‘fog’ in our minds, bringing more oxygen into our bodies and brains which is really helpful for shifting our thoughts and worries (see here) and this helps bring new energy to tired muscles and organs.
Have a drink of water – now
Just do it! Even as a temporary measure until you can make your favourite warm drink or soft drink. Staying hydrated helps our mood and brain function – the place from where all the thoughts, feelings and behaviour are controlled.
Have a snack
Pizza, cakes, chocolate, fruit, raw vegetables with dips and healthy chips, nuts, drinks and goodies can keep spirits up in the staff room.
Ending the shift
Write down three things you feel good about today. It can be very simple. “I gave Barry a great shave”; “Marion really enjoyed her strawberry ice cream”; “I helped Amy talk to her Dad on the iPad.”
Write down the names of anyone you are especially concerned about and add a kind word next to their name.
Add the thought, “I have done the best that I could do today. Well done.” Leave the piece of paper in an envelope in your locker. Close the door and leave it there. Now you are ready to leave your work place and move to the next. You do not have to open the envelope when you come back tomorrow.
Remembering together
Recalling happy memories, though it may be painful, can also be comforting. Many care homes are gathering residents and staff together once a week and sit together, light a candle, look at photographs of the person in the home during activities or events and talk about the person who has died, playing their favourite piece of music, having their favourite dessert, baking a cake together for tea time, watching his/her favourite film with ice-cream cones. Everyone is encouraged to share a word, a brief thought or memory, aloud.
A Memory Tree
Photos of the person who has died and thoughts from anyone in the home about them can be written on the ‘leaves’ and hung from the branches of the tree. This can be a small tree with fairy lights inside the branches or painted onto a wall or a cut-out of a tree tacked onto the notice board.
You can be as creative as you like with these processes of community remembrance as it aids our grief and mourning process and acknowledges our shared experience of loss. Care home staff have said how helpful this can be, and the residents feel part of what is happening too. Which is also essential to their wellbeing.
Be gentle with yourself
Remind yourself that you are doing the very best you can in the situation. We think that you are doing a tremendous job and one that is often unseen and unheard. You are caring for the most frail, unwell and vulnerable people in our families and communities. You are providing caring and skilled accompaniment for women and men at the end of their lives.
You are ‘standing in’ for loved ones, families, friends and faith leaders who are unable to be there. What an important role this is and gives comfort to so many family members who cannot be there with their loved one. THANK YOU.
Samaritans HELP LINE 116 123 or Cruse Bereavement Support, 0808 808 1677
Whirlpool of Grief Dr Richard Wilson, 1992
Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, The Stages of Grief 1969
With thanks to Danuta Lipinska
About Danuta Lipinska
A passionate specialist in the understanding and care of any older person and those with dementia, successful author, counsellor, supervisor, Action Learning facilitator, trainer and International speaker.
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